Shamanistic Medicine

The wankingest link

By Andrew Kiraly

Much has been said about that sour little crumpet Anne Robinson, host of "The Weakest Link." Call her what you will--a dominabitchrix bent on ripping stateside stupidity, a rusty razor, a humorless harpy--but be careful. You run a serious risk of falling into the predictable fits of foaming and barking that have spelled the doom of many a lesser TV critic.

However, the Savant--suave, worldly Europhile that he is--simply refuses to play the ugly American and bawl at the sight of Robinson strafing my fellow Americans on TV. Breaking news: It turns out she is human after all. Anyone who caught Monday's special celebrity episode of "The Weakest Link" (KVBC Channel 3, 9 p.m.), which included Aisha Tyler ("Talk Soup"), George Wendt (fat dude from "Cheers") and Rob Schneider (hair transplant courtesy of Richard Simmons), got to glimpse a crack--several cracks, in fact--in Robinson's steely demeanor. Looks like it took a buncha wiseacres who could take Robinson's barbs--as well as fling a few of their own--to prove the ice queen can thaw out on occasion.

Fave quip of the night came from Schneider, who snagged a smile from Robinson after he said, "beneath that jacket, I know you're the sexy link, Anne." Later, after a stunningly bad round for Schneider, Robinson sweetly asked him if he still thought she was sexy. He said yes. Then, her brow buckling, she shot back: "Good. Because I still think you're stupid." Schneider took it well, however, and smothered Robinson in a mock makeout sesh (eliciting yet another smile from her) when he was weakestlinked out. See? The British battle ax has a soft side. She just needs to be around famous people for it to show.

Otherwise, the show was unremarkable. The celebritards played pretty badly. George Wendt and Aisha Tyler were the only ones who had anything in the way of a meaningful grounding in useless pop culture trivia and lite history. For his part, Wendt had a flawless record of correct answers, which earned him the distinction of...getting voted off the team. The strategy behind that was apparently to...strategy my black ass! Since the money the celebrickheads were (or, more accurately, weren't) racking up was going toward charity, you'd think they would've kept Wendt's corpulent, smart self on the team for more money to spend on the charity of their choice's administrative costs that would result in--cha-ching!--77 cents for Muchuk the Starving Nigerian.

After Wendt was goodbyed off stage, Tyler went on to win $42,000 for the charity of her choice. Robinson's admiration of Wendt's record showed when she called him "sir." I bet the last time he was called that, it was by the police, as in "Stop eating immediately, sir, and drop the lambchop!"

The Savant can already hear the crit rolling off your choco-stained tongue, "Yeah, but those were celebrities! Why can't Robinson play nice with the regular contestants?"

So what? Why can't the regular, non-fame-enhanced contestants return fire when Robinson rat-a-tats in their direction? Hell, if they were clever enough to make it on the show, shouldn't they be clever enough to hold their own at verbal fencing? Even the occasional, "Yeah, I got your weakest link right here!" would suffice.

Second, to attack Robinson for her abrasive manner implies compassion for the contestants, which is completely wrongheaded and runs counter to the reason I--and by extension, you--watch TV game shows. Why do we watch these things? Of course, it's to hate those people who are smarter than you and watch as, hopefully, their dreams of translating smarts into snaps crumbles before their very Coke-bottled eyes! Muaahaha!

"The Weakest Link" merely capitalizes on the subconscious appeal of game shows and makes it manifest in host Robinson; she's the inner hot fry that lurks inside every couch potato, mad at himself (admit it) and spiteful at the world (don't lie) for never taking the time to become an enlightened citizen in this fine democracy (search your feelings, Luke, you know it to be true, I am your father, etc.). Watching Robinson verbally flay the weakest links on the show is merely a transcript of my (and, by extension, your) inner monologue as you watch these brainiacs with their collared shirts and honor rolls presumptuously try to cash in. So say it loud, say it proud, idiot boxers: "Y'all are the weakest links, trapdoor to y'ass 'n' later dayz, 'slice!"